| now what? |
[Jan. 7th, 2006|11:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | time time time | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the quietest new york i can recall | ] |
my limbo between school/newyork/lifeasiknowit and ghana/theequator/humidity/theGreatUnknown was relatively brief, as i knew it would be, but it felt much longer than expected.
( i've been leisurely busy. )
leila is asleep in the room next door, and i am eating coffee cake from hobee's (elisa! julian!) and drinking hot chocolate in the last appropriate weather i'll experience for many months. last night was wine and a sleepy movie (and pickles, popcorn, noodles, and cookie dough) with lei & steven, and an aiport cab ride split with rizzo. now it is time for me to try to make the Fra Angelico exhibit at the Met, and wander around a metropolis for one last time before i go. and drink lemonade, which i am not to trust in ghana. it's time to go.
i don't feel nervous. i'm not anxious at all, or scared. i'm not even excited.
only physically am i "off": i've slept unusually deeply all week, for about ten hours a night, but wake up every hour or two; intense dreams i can't remember when i awaken. i have had no appetite (forcing down only california burritos). yet even when i've eaten nothing, i'm shitting like whoa. that's calm, right? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2005|11:37 pm] |
someday soon we all will be together
if the fates align |
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| he said, "you hide behind your hair." |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|12:53 am] |
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he said, "let's do something french; it'll be fun!" i shrugged my assent but i didn't realize at the time he meant fringe. |
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| now, off to celebrate matt & jonathan's birthdays, and my ghanaian future with the wendz |
[Nov. 12th, 2005|06:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy is as happy does | ] |
i'm back in new york, after bedding & breakfasting & hiking & exploring upstate & visiting an apple farm & buying cider/apples/raspberry preserves for my roomies & buying a christmas hat for myself. i've been in a relationship for an entire year??
it's always nice to get away from camp, even for only one hour.
[i feel like i have a lot to say but i suppose none of it needs to be said.] |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2005|05:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | the world is a mexican blanket | ] |
wish me luck. |
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| B= f(SE x OE x OV) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|10:25 pm] |
self-efficacy. that's the only ingredient lacking. and i'm working on it.
perhaps behaviorism is the key. the only way i'll believe i can do it is by doing it a bunch of times. and then i'll know, so then i'll be able to start doing it. finally.
today i applied to psi chi and study abroad in ghana [4 essays, 2 applications]. i had a couple classes, wrote a paper, and studied art. i also watched arrested development, welles's "f for fake", spent a couple hours relaxing at Lei's house, cooked breakfast and dinner, and cleaned some house.
i hope the 20th year will make use of momentum, and not just inertia. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|02:49 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | don't think twice, it's alright | ] |
now that we're in the final month, the final moments, i think this summer is shaping up to something consistent, something tangible. something i'll be able to remember:
BBQs; dressing too formally for work but never showering; wet & slipperies on the roof; the food network; emerging from work during daylight hours; free chipotle; wrestling with mood swings; johnny cash; free movies and crazy late fees.
there are a lot of conspicuously absent actors, which stings or aches. and i can never seem to fix.
and so many Decisions, so quickly approaching! ghana or barcelona? money or peace of mind? which psych lab/mentor/futuredecider? which bicyle? which old-timey tattoo? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|10:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hot | ] |
| [ | music |
| | red light special | ] |
we've all been lounging around in our skivvies (or sexy black dresses? who does that???), cuddling with fans because the crazy heat has swelled forth again, listening to brandy and monica and tlc and remembering the fourth-through-eighth grades. but kyle has taken the cake by spending the last half hour scrubbing our bathroom, valiantly sans fans in the smallest, muggiest, most poorly ventilated room in the house, while chemical fumes fill the air and blur the vision of less dedicated passers-by. and he's doing it all stark-naked, much to everyone's- (...and just as i wrote that, i heard anna scream as she walked by the open door, laugh, and say, "kyle! i missed you so much!").
i've taken time off of work for kyle's visit, and more for aud's (which will commence two days from now/two hours after kyle leaves)... i'm broke but i know it's worth it. time with loved ones over eating out and new clothing.
it is so so hot. i am never wearing pants again. |
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| random generation as personal degeneration |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|10:18 am] |
i took half the day off to welcome tory home and be productive but she's off to work and now i'm on the internet.
well, it is my first access to my computer in over two months. i am forgiven.
[then again, if that weren't final, i'd dig deep into my unconscious to discover: ]
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| they don't pay me enough |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|12:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | leila's ipod | ] |
You are |
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Your Travel Profile:
|
You Are Well Traveled in the Midwestern United States (50%) |
You Are Well Traveled in the Western United States (47%) |
You Are Well Traveled in the Northeastern United States (43%) |
You Are Somewhat Well Traveled in the Southern United States (23%) |
You Are Mostly Untraveled in Canada (20%) |
You Are Mostly Untraveled in Eastern Europe (20%) |
You Are Mostly Untraveled in Western Europe (14%) |
You Are Mostly Untraveled in Southern Europe (13%) |
You Are Mostly Untraveled in Latin America (7%) |
You Are Untraveled in Africa (0%) |
You Are Untraveled in Asia (0%) |
You Are Untraveled in Australia (0%) |
You Are Untraveled in New Zealand (0%) |
You Are Untraveled in Scandinavia (0%) |
You Are Untraveled in the Middle East (0%) |
You Are Untraveled in the United Kingdom (0%) |
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| what? WHAT?!? what? |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|11:36 am] |
everything has gone CRAZY
this summer will be different than expected
and also:
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2005|12:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | californian | ] |
| [ | music |
| | a lawn mower!!!! what?!? | ] |
it turns out i have few friends in san jo, funny story. that is, there are plenty of people i could call, but most of them would be... a stretch, i guess. those i've been closest to for years are gone, permanently or temporarily, or busy with finals and the like.
i'm only here a week. it's just funny how not-social it looks like it'll shape up to be: none of that rushing around from person to person to appointment to party, that has characterized California Livin' for me for so long.... i'm not upset by it; it's just unusual.
i just feel quiet and content. it is beautiful here, and i spent all day yesterday with my mom, terra, and audria: picking raspberries in the yard; admiring the new fruits just beginning on the apple and pear and cherry and loquat and orange and hazelnut trees, and the hillsides of mixed wildflowers and orange poppies and blue-purple lupines; swinging with audria in the shade; jumping on the trampoline; creek-walking in alum rock park, and laying in the sun on big bumpy rocks; eating giant soft-serve cones out in flat, dry, hispanic-gangsta-east-side-san-jo.
and if you need me, i'll the one driving the big green pickup truck with bumper stickers: "why be normal?", and the rainbow array of female figures, mostly a little larger than average and standing together a little closer than average.
____________________________________
and that was syrus on the phone; he's done with finals, and now we're going to get some Honest To God Mexican Food, like new york can only dream of. and kat will be done soon, too. so while i'm not going to be s(h)itting social for the week, as i have in the past, i have what i need: the goods ones are still around. the ones i want to call. (except for e-lo, whom i'll track down next week.) |
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| this is the city that doesn't, right? |
[May. 21st, 2005|02:10 am] |
i've been awake for nearly 30 hours (after only two-point-five hours of sleep last night, incidentally) and 22 of those were spent traveling. during that span i've been drunk twice and on the verge of tears thrice and read an entire book and spent 10.5 hours breathing recirculated airplane air and sat out in the rain twice and walked around in three countries speaking broken words of three languages and been clung to by a drunken bostonian on the street while his friend danced for us and rambled to kyle about the trip in ways i immediately regretted--the first time we've spoken since we parted ways, and i tipsily failed to convey the volatile nature of my familial relationships without us sounding "but that's... crazy"--and i've basked in the presence of beloved new yorkers and deleted hundreds of emails and finally rounded up all of my grades and
i'm only in new york for a couple hours and maybe that's why i'm avoiding sleep like a leper, even in this quiet empty apartment. or else the pattern of insomnia i developed in europe wants to hold out a little longer. but i have to arise in only a few hours to unpack and repack and write a scholars response and then catch two more subways to the airtrain to another flight.
but i am so fucking tired i want to laugh and cry and be held. or at least hold still.
but not sleep. |
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| ¡hola desde barcelona! |
[May. 17th, 2005|03:31 pm] |
i just came online to fall into a pit of love via addresses... although realistically, it´s just summer, and everyone has free time on their hands to request postcards, and it has nothing to do with me. i can´t wait to return to the domed, mosaiced, ginormous "correo" to write and send you all love. no, but seriously.
i was surprised at how much france won me over, but that experience has been dwarfed by my boundless adoration of this city. i am actually seriously considering living in barcelona at some point- for instance, the summer after i graduate? i haven´t felt so drawn to a place since... well, my visit to Nueva York. and that one worked out pretty well.
i am happy just to sit or walk down the streets... i just feel happy being here.
and, the keyboards here are pretty much "normal", unlike those blasted other countries who try to be unique and fuck with my interweb communication. dicks. and they´re playing blondie in this internet cafe, so this IS turning into a blondie summer after all, sarah.
(NOTE: i actually WAS coining "Wendz" in the last entry; the german z/y exchange was coincidental. but i´m always glad to spark some debate.)
LOVE, casey. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2005|11:43 pm] |
this is hard to do with the computer and all in german. where are j-than and the wendz when you need them?
my first two dazs were miserable but now all is "wunderful". heidelberg now, france tomorrow, working our waz down to nice, spain, then back up thru france to belgium and amsterdam. i hate this kezboard and the ys and zs are switched for no apparent reason. dicks.
leave zour address if zou want a postcard or love.
less than three. |
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| this street cardigan is the best thing that ever happened to me. |
[May. 5th, 2005|01:45 pm] |
done.
i'm such a better person when i am not worrying about school.
drinking lemonade and listening to johnny cash and doing crossword puzzles and tapping the rockies (not like that: he brought coors) and did you know that malmo [see: the album leaf] is in sweden? i think i'll try to go there.
one day i'll pack but i'm not ready to say the only goodbye i have to.
it will rain throughout my trip so it looks like my spotted boots are traveling lufthansa one more time. |
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| this is for sarah. |
[May. 3rd, 2005|08:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | europe in three days! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | lovingly procrastinatory | ] |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|06:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | procrastinatory | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "i want to be loved by you" | ] |
they say you can't buy happiness but today i bought summer [see: swimsuit, flipflops, summer bag, organic whole foods strawberries and cherry tomatoes and pinapple and olive bread with cheeses and artichokes and polenta...] and
i think that's basically the same thing. |
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| prague ahoy |
[Mar. 13th, 2005|12:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "i know it hurts to say goodbye/but it's time for me to fly" | ] |
so much to do and so little time
[so i spend it here online]
anna, expect a call from me if i can find a calling card
if anyone wants a postcard, i'll be needing your address
kyle played REO Speedwagon's "Time For Me to Fly" this morning at 7 as we dressed. it may be the end of us. i don't think he'll survive this week of drugged debauchery. wish me [him?] luck.
i'm off to drink absynthe in the cafes kafka frequented, with art nouveau architecture and the river that runs through oldtown.
...and when i return, kat!!! |
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| remind me, rilke! |
[Feb. 11th, 2005|03:24 pm] |
i have a job. no telling if it'll be enjoyable, but hey, it's dollars. and a schedule. which i could use. i have too much time on my hands, and i feel useless every time i emerge from beneath the piles of people who constantly surround. now, i'm alone, and i don't know what to do with myself- how did i revert back to that? i haven't felt unable to be alone since i was in high school. the house is empty and so i just spent all afternoon on the computer. i haven't felt this gross since our halfway house neighbor last masturbated whilst making eye contact. last week.
i wish i could be sitting on the beach right now. i'm never aware of how much the ocean means to me until i catch a glimpse and almost burst into tears, like last night. but i'm not going to venture out there alone because i don't know how to get there and by the time i arrived it would be getting cold and dark....
did i really just turn to my livejournal for company??? |
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